This is a just a blog, so I only have so much time to meditate on these decisions and their order.  Feel free to disagree and add.



10. THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SPEED RACER - "Maha GoGoGo" is one of the best anime series of all time and "Speed Racer" may be the best anmie series ever translated into English.  The renewed interest in "Speed" by Gen Xers in the early 90s generated a healthy run of rebroadcasting the classic adventures of Speed, Pops, Trixie and Racer X (easily one of the best characters in all of fiction).  Speed Racer is something that is important to many a fanboy.  They care deeply about it.  And while it's obviously a big task to try and recaputre the magic, it was still quite surprising just how sucky the American, Fred Wold-produced 1993 Speed Racer was.  Just about everything was done wrong: the quality of the animation, the childish storylines, even the new look of the Mach 5.  I know this show was forgotten almost as soon as it was aired, but it was so bad, I really don't think it's time to stop beating up on it.   



9. BOBA FETT'S MISSILE GLUED IN PLACE - It's tough to "digest" just how much damage can be caused when some dumb kid shoots a missile from a Battlestar Galactica toy into his mouth and chokes on it.  After this 1979 event started getting media attention, toy companies amped up their wussiness factor and began chickening out on spring loaded missles - the best gimmick ever devised for toys.  Mattel re-armed many of their SHOGUN WARRIOR figures and vehicles with ugly, tough-to-eat, star-shaped missiles, while others simply were glued into place to prevent any kind of firing whatsoever.  

At the time, nothing in the action figure aisle could remotely compete with Star Wars toys.  They completely revolutionized the action figure industry and their impact is still felt today.  While only 12 figures on the market, commercials began appearing for a thirteenth, Boba Fett, who could shoot a missile from his back.  Initially, the only way to get the figure of this upcoming character was through a mail away offer.  When the first kids started getting them in their mail boxes, the awful truth was learned - the design had been changed so the missile could no longer fire.  It made you want to force-feed the entire toy to that damn Battlestar-Galactica-missile-eating kid.  Over twenty years later, fanboys across the globe got an unexpected release of satisfaction as we finally got to see that missile fire in Jango Fett's duel with Obi-Wan.
     
8. MATRIX SEQUELS - I never liked it, but the original Matrix movie truly struck a chord with fanboys.  While they felt it was cool and visually groundbreaking, its fanboy impact was much greater than that.  They felt it was a movie that relentlessly didn't sell out.  It refused to skimp on the action and refused to resort to cheap comic relief characters.  But what really put it over the top was that people really bought into the mythology with their heart and soul.   This universe felt "deep" to them.  And all that seemed to fall apart like a house of cards in the sequels.  The confusion over how the Wachowski's could so thoroughly "mess up" what they had built so "solidly" spread across internet message boards faster than the Skynet virus (if it's okay to mix computers-taking-over-the-world-movies).  The suckiness of "Matrix Reloaded" can be measured by the fact that even Harry Knowles gave it a bad review (although he somehow gave a positive review to "Revolutions" which is clearly worse)

7. JACKIE CHAN'S AMERICAN MOVIES -  They all fail to capture JC.  Every one of them.  From "Cannonball Run" to "Shanghai Knights."  They let Jackie have a few skermishes, but it's just not the same thing.  And Jackie knows it.  I'm just blown away by how openly embarrassed Jackie is of these flicks in interviews.  Good for him.   It's a shame that so many Americans know Jackie Chan without knowing Jackie Chan.  It's only so tragic though, since anyone who cares can see dozens upon dozens of the amazing films he did throughout his career in Hong Kong. 


6. JAR-JAR - This one never bothered me to the extent it did other folks, but I'd just be a contrary jerk if I ignored a character whose debut generated more hate websites than most properties have FAN websites.  Entertainment has a long and rich tradition of comic relief characters.  While I would say the makers of these characters are being smart and that infusing some comic relief into even some of the most serious stories is a good idea, I think fanboys can do without them for the most part.  I mean, if you could either get Jar Jar replaced with a legitimately funny character, who delivered genuinely witty, clever lines and yeilded laugh-out-loud humor OR more Darth Maul, I honestly think fanboys would go for the cool/dark action.  That said, Jar Jar was not executed as well at all and had he been, many people would have been willing to put up with him.     


5. ROBOCOP 2 - Okay, you've got this amazing fanboy movie that comes out of nowhere and wins over the moviegoing public and critics despite being campy and incredibly violent.  For the sequel you get the director of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.  For the screenplay you get Frank Miller.  Let me say that again.  For the screenplay you get FRANK MILLER.  How did all that result in ROBOCOP 2?  Part of me still feels the punch in the gut I felt when I left the matinee show opening day.  It just makes no sense unless the project was sabotaged by some S.P.E.C.T.R.E.-like group fighting against mainstream fanboy acceptance.  I should say that the Cain robot in the movie was an amazing design. 


4. DIANE WARREN ALLOWED TO WRITE A STAR TREK THEME - This has to be one of the most eyebrow-raising matchings I've ever heard of.  "Let's take a woman who writes wussed-out pop songs and have her pen the theme to the newest entry in the most important Sci-Fi TV series ever."  "Enterprise" is certainly not without other problems, but makes it almost impossible to give the show a fair shot since you start off with such a bad taste in your mouth.  Moreover, it demeans the "Star Trek" franchise as a whole.   

3. DAREDEVIL MOVIE  Any fanboy worth his salt can often sound like Bruno Kirby in "This is Spinal Tap."  There's only one "Frank" and he "calls the shots for all those guys."   Perhaps there is no ground more sacred to fanboys than Daredevil issues 168-181, written and drawn by Frank Miller.  Groundbreaking on so many levels, they truly raised the bar for what superhero comics could be.  Moreover, they were so cinematic, it was confusing why a Daredevil movie wasn't immediately put on the fast track to production.  Almost twenty years later, we got one.  Whatever age you were when the Frank Miller Daredevils were published, (to use a popular phrase), that period in your life has been raped. 


2. JOHN BYRNE LEAVES THE X-MEN - It is difficult to overstate how huge this was at the time.  You'd be hard-pressed to find a fanboy of the time who doesn't remember exactly where he was when he learned that Byrne was splitsville. In an age where Marvel Comics was still this giant phenomenon,  "The Uncanny X-Men" was their crown jewel.   Much mention is given to the fact that the Stan Lee/Jack Kirby X-Men comic books did not do well.  What needs to be pointed out is that although the "New X-Men " started with the famous issue 94, the book didn't take off until artist Dave Cockrum was replaced by John Byrne.  The artistic chemistry he had with writer Chris Claremont was like Lennon/McCartney.  Looking at the work they're done seperately, it's clear that Byrne had all these wonderful, wild ideas and Claremont reined these stories in and gave them the refinement they needed.  Who cares if they didn't get along?  Don't they know it's their birthduty to crank out the stuff  that we fanboys are entitled to?  What needed to happen is that Byrne and Claremont should have taken a ski trip together and gotten stranded near the home of Annie Wilkes. Hobble them both and just make them generate issue after issue.   

1. GREEDO SHOOTS FIRST  - Much of the controversy over "The Passion of the Christ" stems from Mel Gibson selectively ommiting information - that the story suffers from tunnel vision due to not showing the motivation that led up to the crucifixion and that the movie hesitation of the notoriously barbaric Pontius Pilate is historically inaccurate.  Even if all of this is true, it's obviously not nearly as bad as Greedo shooting first.  I mean, it's just the Bible.    

A lot of crimes against fanboys occur when a property is translated from one media to another in a clumsy, ill-thought-out manner or without respect to the original source material.  What George did with his "special edition" of Episode IV is to go back to a classic moment in a classic movie and ruin it.  Lucas took extra morality he gained after his Episode VI shark-jump and retroactively infused it in the last place it was needed.  

Han Solo is one of the best characters ever.  Part of his appeal is that he has an edge.  He's a smuggler and it's certainly no secret that he's done some bad things in his past.  Even if it's appropriate for Mr. Solo to finish his character arc with a certain standard of ethics, he doesn't need to start there.  In fact, it's better that he doesn't.   
The original version needed no extra morality.  Greedo had a gun pointed at Han and said he was about to kill him.  Han was monumentally entitled to blast the hell out of him.   The notion that it would be "wrong" or "not heroic enough" for Han to open fire on Greedo from under the table unless shot upon first is just plain stupid.  Moreover, in order to pull it off, you've got to make Greedo miss.   

People who point to this as nitpicky outrage that's been blown out of proportion aren't worth listening to about anything.   

STUFF THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT:  Pac Man Cartridge for the Atari 2600, Tom Cruise as LeStat (more of a crime against Anne Rice reading teenage girls), Elves at Helmsdeep.  Saruman attacking the Shire, black and white fight sequence in Kill Bill Volume I (Many people complained. I don't see what the problem is.  Perfect homage to Chang Cheh films), the Uni-Five "reissue" of the Jumbo Machinder Garada K7, The Dark Knight 2, ALL of the Batman movies (Batman fans really have nothing to complain about because of BTAS)  Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich.   

GOOD GRIEVOUS, CHARLIE BROWN

I know I've been saying I'm only lukewarm on the STAR WARS: CLONE WARS cartoon, but man o man, did the last two chapters deliver.  Chapter 19 probably was the most beautiful of all of them, with the lightsabers sparking in the rain and Anakin giving his victory cry against the red moon, but Chapter 20 really did a number on me.  A common storytelling technique in illustrating toughness-levels is to make a big deal showing what a badass Guy A is and then have him get instantly wiped out by Guy B.  Since Episode IV, we've witnesses the battle prowess of the Jedi.  Each time we see them and they go into battle, they whup ass.  In fact, much of the Clone Wars cartoon has been spend showing one Jedi or another laying down the smack.  And then to show them get pummeled like white belts taking on Bruce Lee, well it made a statement. 

General Grievous scared me.  It was so smart for them to just have him show up at the very end of the series, as it made his impact that much greater.  I'm very excited to see him in EPISODE III.  The tough part in his transition to live-action may be to keeping him consisted in his abilities.  I mean, he wiped out half a dozen Jedi no problem.  How Obi Wan and Anakin deal with him and Dooku might result in him going down a few levels in power from the cartoon. 

Here's a link to 14 Godzilla essays in comemmoration of his 50th birthday.  While most appear not to be written by people who actually have a lifelong love of the big G, they are certainly interesting.  One worth noting is by Bill Gibron, from Mystery Science Theatre 3000.  Back when the show was on and making fun of select Godzilla and Gamera movies, I recall much fanboy outrage - that these were good films that should not be dissed because of their camp.  The sentiment reminded me of when the Piscopo-era Saturday Night Live dared to make fun of MAD magazine.  But I thought the furor was off the mark this time.  Many a late 60s/ early 70s kaiju eiga, while fun entertainment, are certainly not above mockery, especially in badly dubbed English.  MST3K generated a lot of quality, sometimes brilliantly subtle humor and seemed to earn the right to poke fun at the big G.  After reading Gibron's glib non-understanding of these flicks, however, I think the fanboys may have been right. 

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

I feel I need to follow up on the comments I made about Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla after actually renting and watching the film.  I was correct in my understanding that it in fact throws out all other Godzilla sequels (from Godzilla Raids Again to Godzilla GMK) BUT I was shocked to see that it has continuity in other Toho monster films!  The "Anti Meglosaurus Force", has been fighting monsters since the 60s and they show a brief montage of them laying some smack on Mothra and "Bigfoot Gaira" from War of the Gargantuas.  The thread linking these monsters is the use of the maser tank, which plays a significant role in this new film and is a weapon used by Mechagodzilla.  (Semi-related note: It put a big smile on my face when maser tanks suddenly appeared in the final battle of Attack of the Clones).  The plot of "Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla" is solid.  Akane Yashiro, one of the members of the AMF team,  fails to act quickly enough while in a maser-ing fight against Godzilla and inadvertantly causes the death of a teammate.  When Mechagodzilla is completed four years later, she is chosen as the pilot, much to the chagrin of the other candidates, one of whom is the brother of the teammate she "killed."  It's quite surprising to me how similar this is to the Richard Barthelmess plot in Howard Hawks' 1939 Only Angels Have Wings, but hey, it's a great story and certainly worth stealing.    

The one thing that needs to be mentioned above all else when talking about this flick is the Mechagodzilla suit.  Wow!  I've been seeing robot monster suits on film for most of my life and I think this may be the best.  The craftsmanship that went into making this thing is just not apparent from looking at still photographs of it.  In all honesty, this caught me by surprise.  Moreover, I was wrongly turned off by the design when I'd seen early photos of it on the net.  I think that may be because the images came with the information that it was a cyborg - that cells from the dead 1954 Godzilla were cultured and the end result was a biomechanical organism.  This raised a flag to me, partially since I dislike the look of the 1993 "cyborg" Meka King Ghidrah so much.  When looking at the early pics of MG, I assumed that the "wiring" underneath was organic and it was some sort of creature with a Mechagodzilla suit on or something.  Not the case.  Mechagodzilla is a pure robot this go round.  The living aspect of it is just something which runs its brain. 

Also I may have been guilty of being a rivet-snob.  The 1974 original design was loaded with them and I probably was too gung-ho on being true to the old-school look.  But I only blame myself so much.  When we last saw a new Mechagodzilla design in 1994, it sucked pure and simple.  It had form-muscles on it like the movie Batman suit or something.  Every proportion on it seemed wrong.  The new MG is just gorgeous.  So much wonderful details which make it look beautiful from every angle.  And the movie is great.  I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for saying this, but I like it more than Godzilla GMK.

MORE PRETTY GIRLS FALLING DOWN

I don't go looking for examples to prove the points I made on this blog.  I really don't.  But sometimes you just can't avoid them.  Since my last entry for "Pretty Girls Falling Down," I caught "What a Girl Wants."    During a flashback montage in the first three minutes, Kelly Preston clumsily falls down into the arms of Colin Firth.  We fast forward to the modern day where we see that Kelly Preston's lack of motor skills have been passed on to her daughter.  At a wedding, Amada Bynes falls down only minutes after the last wipeout in the film.  While I was watching, although I felt my point about how often moviemakers go to this well was being substantiated further, I realized it wasn't exactly how I had described its use -  "the way this gag usually plays out is as follows:  Shortly after some kind of high-fashion makeover, our heroine tries a bit too hard to fake her ease with her new glamorous trappings,  then, KA-BLEW-EY, she's on her butt.  See?  She's just a normal girl."  That wasn't really the case with these falls and I wondered if I was stretching the use of this trend as a "humanizing" thing.  But only a short while later....Amanda is supposed to meet her dad at a fashion show.  She goes in the wrong door and finds herself thrown onto the runway!  She turns the tables on the situation and struts her stuff, much to the delight of the we're-stuffy-Brits-but-we-really-want-a-girl-wtih-attitude-to-make-us-let-loose crowd.  But then, KA-BLEW-EY, she falls off the runway.      

PRETTY GIRLS FALLING DOWN


I caught The Lizzie McGuire Movie the other day.  The extent to which movies will lie about adolescence never ceases to amaze me.   What am I talking about?  Casting a knockout like Hillary Duff as a character relentlessly scorned by her peers and plagued with insecurity.   I just don't get it.  Well, maybe I do.  Maybe by assigning normal-girl problems to an abnormal beauty, girls watching can not only relate but subconsciously convince themselves that they are equally as stunning.  With Heathers, Dan Waters had the honesty to allow his movie-star-good-looks heroine to be in the uppermost echelon of high school power, as she should be.  Pretty girls own the world.  Always have, always will.  The prettiest may breathe the same air as us, but the rules don't apply to them and their lives are filled with nothing but short cuts and people begging to be near them.   

The best gag, by far, in the otherwise forgettable Not Another Teen Movie was making fun of the non-accepted status of knockout Rachael Leigh Cook since she wore glasses in She's All That.  Because, as we all know, actresses good-looking enough to have tons of nerds compose fake nudes of them on Photoshop simply lose their appeal once you four-eyes them up and stick them in a high school art room. 

You know what's my favorite episode of the TV version of Lizzie McGuire?  The one where she spitefully calls up Lindsay Lohan's teen heart throb costar and instantly gets him to take her to LL's movie premiere.  Oh wait, that was real life.    Cinematic attempts to humanize inhumanly beautiful girls has really gotten out of hand across the board.  One of the more pathetic attempts is to make these beauties "klutzy," which means having them fall down.  This allegedly serves the dual function of bringing them to the level of regular people and being humorous.  Although there can be a wide variety of uses in the humanizing babe pratfall, the way this gag usually plays out is as follows:  Shortly after some kind of high-fashion makeover, our heroine tries a bit too hard to fake her ease with her new glamorous trappings,  then, KA-BLEW-EY, she's on her butt.  See?  She's just a normal girl. 

In the Lizzie McGuire movie, Hillary Duff  falls down no less than three times:  singing in her bathroom, trying to compose herself at her junior high graduation while giving a speech and walking on the red carpet at an awards show in Rome.   I guess the feeling is that this shtick never gets old or, because HD is extra pretty, she needs to take extra spills in order for viewers to relate to her.

Even more surprising than how often the makers of TLMM were willing to go to the falling-down well is how often it is used in general.  It seems that any starlet you can name who's tried her hand at a comedy has embraced the idea that what she needs is a good wipeout.  Off the top of my head...

JULIA ROBERTS  My Best Friend's Wedding   and, from the looks of the trailer Mona Lisa Smile    
SANDRA BULLOCK Miss Congeniality (perhaps the purest rendition of the gag)
RENE ZELLWEGER Bridget Jones's Diary 
MEG RYAN French Kiss
ALICIA SILVERSTONE Clueless (falling off the bed.  To be fair, like Veronica Sawyer, Cher was at the top of the high school food chain.  Moreover, she was trying to seduce someone unseducable)
BRITTANY MURPHY Clueless
JAMIE LEE CURTIS True Lies (I have to admit that although I didn't find it funny, it did get a big laugh from the audience I saw it with)
JULIA STYLES Ten Things I Hate About You
DREW BARRYMORE Never Been Kissed (runs into a door)
RACHAEL LEIGH COOK She's All That 

I'm positive that there are many that I'm missing.  Please post any that you can add. 

This gag has never been funny.   The stakes just aren't the same for pretty girls.  Maybe that's a double standard, but I believe it to be true.  If a male character is trying to ask out a "babe," there's built-in tension.  He's walking a coolness tightrope.  Any slip-up and he's finished.  An embarrassing fall does make a difference.  It makes all the difference.   When you flip the roles, it just doesn't work.  I just don't buy that Lizzie McGuire could suffer any public physical humiliation that would prevent her from no longer being able to cherry-pick whichever Jordan Catalano she wants on her arm that week.     The only way to watch The Lizzie McGuire Movie is on a double bill with Welcome to the Dollhouse.

The five minutes per episode of the "Clone Wars" cartoon just doesn't cut it.  It feels like the length was determined by what would be a managable download file size for people getting it on the web, rather than what's a satisfying amount of time for an episode.  Even when you watch them all at once, the story stops and starts like you're hitting the gas and the brake at the same time.

The whole phenomenon of STAR WARS KID was recently brought to my attention.  It's simply awesome.  One thing I enjoy about it is that it doesn't pretend to do anything but make fun of this pathetic Ghyslain Raza.  Regardless of what you hear or read, the same is true of WILLIAM HUNG, the "She Bangs" guy from American Idol.  I can't stand this fake notion that what's being celebrated about Mr. Hung is his positive attitude in sticking up for himself against nasty Simon Cowell.  What a lie.  That said, I think much of the enjoyment from William Hung comes from his overall dorkiness.  Before he even starts singing, you're laughing at how goofy he is.  Kieth, who sang "Like a Virgin" last year is clearly a much worse singer.  Speaking of Idol, I'm shocked and disappointed in America for putting Diana DeGarmo in the bottom three last week.  Hopefully, we won't see another Dianagate this week.

A while back, I came up with a path to get from Buster Keaton to Kevin Bacon in the Six Degrees of K.B. game.  It was "Buster Keaton was in 'How to Stuff A Wild Bikini' with Frankie Avalon, who was in 'Back to the Beach' with Paul Ruebens, who was in 'The Blues Brothers' with John Belushi, who was in 'Animal House' with Kevin Bacon."  Not bad, huh?  But then, another strategy came to my attention with a different AIP "Beach" movie.  Buster Keaton was in 'Pajama Party' with Don Rickles, who was in 'Casino' with Joe Pesci, who was in 'JFK' with Kevin Bacon.   Well, "Pajama Party" was on this morning, so I thought I'd check it out.  Strange movie.  Not the Tommy-Kirk-is-a-martian-and-is-beginning-a-campaign-to-take-over-the-world-plot, but how this flick fits into the AIP Beach Party continuity.  Annette Funocello is in it, but she's playing "Connie," not her normal character of Dee Dee.  Jody McCrea is in it, but he's playing "Big Lunk" not his normal character of Deadhead.  That would suggest that it's not part of the regular universe, right?  But the movie's got Eric Von Zipper and the rest of the Rats, so go figure!  They need some sort of "Crisis on Infinite Beaches" storyline to sort it all out. 

Speaking of continuity issues, I was in my local Hollywood Video yesterday and saw that the most recent Godzilla movie "Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla" had been translated and is out on DVD.  I haven't had a chance to rent it yet (it was out) but am looking forward to it.  But only so much.  Apparently, it's YET ANOTHER Godzilla movie which throws out all the sequels and exists only in a universe with the original Godzilla movie.  I'm getting sick and tired of this garbage.  If I had control of the Godzilla franchise, I'd make "Destroy All Monsters II" which would bring back the Kilaaks and the Planet X guys from "Monster Zero" (they did say "we will escape into the future!" when we last saw them in 1966).  The bad guys would round up a bunch of monsters and have them fight the full roster from Monster Island...and would be beating them.  All of Earth's mightest creatures would be on the brink of defeat.  Using the time traveling equipment of the Planet X guys, the human heroes of the movie would somehow summon up a bunch of different Godzillas from paralell timelines/universes.  The goofy-eyed Godzilla from "Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster" would be fighting right alongside the Godzilla from "Godzilla vs. Destroyer", etc, etc.  Take all the prissy "I'm too good for the existing universe" crap that the Godzilla directors have shelled out over the decades and puree it all into battle royale, monster mash continuity I say!

POOCHIE WATCH


Since my initial post on the Poochie Effect, a number of additional examples of Poochieness have popped into my head.

CHUCK E. CHEESE

A few days ago I was flipping channels and caught a special called "Almighty Amphibians" on the Discovery Channel.  I was actually kind of pleased with the section on frogs.  Coverage for frogs is usually quite cursory.  Most of the time the angle taken on them is an environmental one and the species shown nearly always is the rainforest-dwelling Red-Eyed Tree Frog (Agalychinis Callidryas).



This species of frog has become so ubiquitous in any media attention or merchandising for amphibians that it makes me wonder its selection is made to solely target planet-conscious teenage girls who can say "Unless we do something SEE the cuteness that will become extinct!"  It certainly is "just another species" to anyone with even a passing interest in herpetology.

It was therefore refreshing to see some airtime given to the Goliath frog (Conraua Goliath).  Much of my youth was spent catching frogs and one of the goals I had was to catch the biggest ones I could.  In the ponds of Massachusetts, that of course means bullfrogs (Rana Catesbeiana).  The largest specimens I could find seemed to max out at a snout-vent length of 6 plus inches. 



Within seconds of being introduced to the Guinness Book of World Records, I was looking up frogs.  It was then that I first learned about the Goliath frogs of Cameroon and Equatorial Guinea.  They dwarfed the local bullfrogs and the largest recorded specimen at the time had a snout-vent length of just over 12 and a half inches.   



This mention was pretty much the only information available on Goliath frogs until the late 80s, when Seattle animal importer Andy Koffman went on a frog safari in Cameroon and returned to the states with a great number of them.  Suddenly, Goliath frogs were everywhere.  Mr. Koffman brought them on "The Tonight Show."  They appeared on "LA Law."  There were articles in "Newsweek" and "Time."  In many of these interviews, Mr. Koffman announced one of his plans:  he was going to enter them in the Calaveras County Frog Jumping constest in Angles Camp, California. 

Suffice it to say I was shocked to see this sudden media blitz for an animal species I'd had dreams about since I was a small child.  I desperately wanted to go to the contest.  The idea excited me, partially because it was unclear exactly how far the Goliath frogs could jump.  Certainly the biggest bullfrogs I had caught were not always the best jumpers.   However, on the Tonight show, Koffman's Goliath frogs seemed to be taking incredible leaps, quite capable of beating the Calaveras contest-record length of 21 feet 5 inches (in three jumps), set by Rosie the Ribbiter only a few years before.  The scant few words that I had read on Goliath frogs jumping ability indicated that they were capable of "great leaps" but tired out after only a few jumps.  Their actual skills would only be revealed at the contest. 

But there was a problem.  Mr. Koffman was not the first person to get this idea.  In anticipation of someone showing up at Angels Camp with these possibly ringer imports, a size limit was placed on entrants.  Frogs could only have a snout vent length of no more than 8 inches.   On his safari, Koffman had captured many large specimens - the largest breaking the world record I had read about as a child.  The Guinness Book was changed to mention Koffman's crown jewel, which had a snout-vent length of 14 inches!  The biggest frog ever measured in the world.  However, Koffman also brought back smaller-sized Goliath frogs, some of which could meet the Calaveras limit of 8 inches. 

The event was a big enough deal that I was able to read about the results even though the internet had yet to be born.  Newspapers gave the story a patriotic slant:  Our home-grown American frogs had beaten the foreign giants.  Given how prone Mr. Koffman seemed to be to hype, I guess I was only so surprised that the Goliath frogs were a bust - although I had been rooting for them. 

It's important to mention that the actual world record for frog jumping was from a different species entirely.  The Sharp-Nosed Grass Frog (Ptychadena Oxyrhynchus) of South Africa is the true unsung hero of the frog world.  A specimen did a triple jump of 33 feet 5.5 inches in 1977, which is more than 12 feet longer than the jumps made by the famous Rosie the Ribbiter.  This second species of African frog (and this time a guaranteed jumping ace) was also not unknown to the Calaveras locals.   I was told that someone arrived one year in the seventies with some and there were rules in place anticipating their entry.  Sharp-Nosed Grass Frogs have an adult snout-nose length of only about 2 inches, and a size minimum of 4 inches was in place for the Calaveras contest.  So while small Goliath frogs were a possibility, Sharp-Nosed Grass frogs were out entirely unless some mad scientist could create one twice their normal size.  

 

The following May, things worked out so I could attend the Calaveras fair and the frog jumping jubilee.  Even though the Goliath frogs weren't there, it was a fascinating experience.  It was even more "hick" than I expected.  The area is real mining country (or at least it was) and plays up the nostalgia of local prospecting for "gold in them thar hills."  It was a thrilling enough time that after I moved to Los Angeles the following fall, I drove up again.  For this second trip, however, Mr. Koffman had returned...

What became clear on this second trip - both in talking to the other contestants and in watching the judging - was that there was prejudice against the Goliath frogs.  If you think racism against Africans in this country is limited to human beings, you are sorely mistaken. 


The way the contest works is that there are a bunch of qualifying heats and frogs with the biggest preliminary jumps make it to the finals.  The jumps made in the finals are the ones that count towards the title and are the only ones eligible to break the contest record.  There is a "launching pad" as the starting point for the frog.  The pad is 8 inches in diameter so if your frog can't fit on it or if you fail to place your frog completely on the pad, you are disqualified.  

The judges were very quick to disqualify the frogs of Koffman and his team.  To fit the frogs on the pad, the Goliath frogs' legs were folded over - it's tough to describe, but since they were pushing the absolute limit of the size restriction and Goliath frogs have such massive legs, they had to play it safe.  It gave the goliath frogs a clear disadvantage in terms of a starting position, but one of the few specimens not to be disqualified in the preliminary jumps managed to get over 24 feet under him in three jumps (which obviously beats the contest record, but didn't "count" since it was just the preliminaries).  In the finals, the judges dq-ed all of Koffman's frogs.  It was quite bogus and upsetting.  It was only then that I realized that this is what probably happened two years earlier. 



As Koffman and his team were trudging back to their truck, I followed him.  I went up to this person I had watched on TV and read about for two and a half years and told him how unfairly I thought he was treated.  I then asked him something that had been brewing in my head since his story first broke and had crystallized only when it was clear he was being robbed and how mighty his African frogs were.  In my mind, he didn't need Calaveras.  If they wanted to be so isolationist, let them.  Moreover, even if the Calaveras rules were being played cleanly, his Goliath frogs were at a disadvantage - both in the size of frog he was allowed to enter and the awkward starting position they were forced to use.  Without these two restrictions, his frogs could go further than the 24 feet his best entry had done this go round.  How much further was the question.   I asked him what he knew of the Sharp Nosed Grass frogs.  

THIS was the only contest that mattered.  It seemed possible a game Goliath frog could give some Sharp-Nosed Grass frogs a jump for their money, and even if the Goliath frogs lost, the novelty of these two inch wonders trouncing their freakishly large African compatriots would be stunning to watch - a real David Vs. Goliath.  He said I had the name of the frog wrong and that the only other species that could compete with the Goliath frog was the "Reed Frog."  He was obviously incorrect and I don't know where he got that information.  The idea didn't seem to excite him, although that was understandable, considering what his mental state must have been at the time.   But since that day in late May of 1992, with the explosion of cable TV, nature series and programs like "Almighty Amphibians," you would think someone would give a little love to the Ptychadena Oxyrhynchus, the best jumper in the world.  This matchup seems like a no-brainer to me.

I don't know if Andy Koffman ever returned with his Goliath Frogs to Angels Camp after I saw him there, but Rosie the Ribbiter's record from 1986 still stands.  
 

"NERDS!"

I can't help but be blown away by Jesse Jantzen of Harvard and Matt Gentry of Stanford, NCAA champions for their schools at 149 and 157 pounds, respectively. 

In a highly anticipated matchup between number 1 and 2 seed who had never met, Jantzen dominated Oklahoma State's Zach Esposito 9-2, becoming Harvard's first national wrestling champ since 1938.  And who was that?  Why John Harkness who won at 175 and flew to St. Louis to watch Jantzen join him as a Harvard NCAA champ.

The remake of  Dawn of the Dead took the weekend boxoffice with 26.7 million dollars,  beating The Passion of the Christ, which made 19.4 million and had been the champ for three weeks straight.  I'm kind of reminded of when the flyover-embraced Titanic finally got knocked off by lowbrow property Lost in Space - although you'd be hard pressed to find any LIS movie supporters today.  

I am a fan of zombie films and plan on getting to the new "Dawn" eventually, but this isn't to say that I haven't yet  felt its impact.  People seem to be passionate about this film and taking it to heart.  This includes by 10 month old daughter.  She's been having trouble sleeping lately and oftentimes I have to rock her to sleep while holding her.  On the opening night of "Dawn," obviously upset that she couldn't be in the theater embracing zombie mania, she celebrated the flesh eaters at home by biting hard into my arm.  Hard.  I couldn't help but be reminded of an early scene in the original "Dawn" where a zombie husband bites into his still-human wife's neck.   I guess I'll have to get my duaghter the DVD of the original before I suffer any more wounds.